What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
07.06.2025 07:03
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I said to her
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Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
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I couldn’t, believe it.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Why am I dreaming of people I've never seen before?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Why did i forgive my father ?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She found it foreign!.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
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Especially a lifetime of it.
I write beautiful poetry .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
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I was scared of men, in general
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
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As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I have no regrets .
Why do narcissists keep calling on the phone after years of separation?
Put me off passion for life!!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Why do people think Justin Bieber is worse than Joseph Stalin?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I don,t even have a pension.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
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He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He knew the spot.
Im still living with it.
What was your embarrassing moment in front of your father-in-law as an Indian daughter-in-law?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I was 9 years of age.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
When she asked me how she looked .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My life is so biszare .
Would this be the day?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
So, i spoilt her more .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Comes on , in middle age.
She wouldn,t have been !
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She married twice! .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
This is soul school!.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
What did i know ?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I was seconnd youngest,
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
We all went to grammer schools
But it wasn’t much.
I will be 64.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I think the readers, may guess!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Was to survive, this bastard.
And i lived it daily.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
All the time i was locked up.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But, we were locked up after school.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I was very sick at this time too.
I could never make a relationship work though!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
We were not on the streets..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
As i do to all so called friends.?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I waited trembling.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
My family never makes their pension either.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She was in good health!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Who then, do I blame.?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She loved him until the end.
(And it was in our own minds.)
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
So whats the point in blame.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
It was going to be , some day.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Ive learnt so much.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
One cannot live in the past .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
This is how, and why children get BPD.